The Diary tucked under the mattress of my bed.

I am still a newbie to this whole blogging thing but I am finding that I really enjoy it. As a teenager, I had a diary, which I wrote in every night, or most nights anyway. Now, in this technological modern age, I have upgraded my pen and notebook for my iPad and WordPress. The only difference is that my diary I could hide from my friends and family, this blog not so much. I guess I could publish privately and make everything undiscoverable, but really, where is the fun in that?

And really, what are the odds of someone I know, actually finding MY blog amongst the millions that are out there? I am sure it is slim to none, never the less, I am still nervous they will find it.

I want this to be a place where I can express myself about the people, places things and events around me, but I feel stifled by this fear of exposure, of being caught out by a loved one, where I have gone on a rampage about an argument we had or about an annoying habit they have, or a lovely moment we spent together. Having to explain exactly what I meant when I said “that” about them is a true fear of mine.

I have stuck my foot in my mouth plenty of times before to know that people don’t tend to like my logical, realistic, no nonsense point of view when it is aimed at them. But generally when you say something inappropriate, it’s a complete accident, and it has just come straight out of your mouth without any filtering. But when you write it, you have taken the time to think about what you are saying, to reread for typos, and ultimately click the Publish button. You wrote it on purpose.

So I guess what I am wondering is, how bad can it be? Is using pseudonyms for myself and my family members a good enough cover up? Would they recognise I was writing about them? Is it okay for me to write about them? Will they forgive me? They are a big part of my life, and if this was a diary I wouldn’t even think to worry about this because my diary is tucked safely under my bed where no one can find it. I want to be able to write about them, I want to vent, I want to work through issues (I have always found that writing someone a letter helps me to figure out what is actually upsetting me. It helps me to clarify my issues), I want to write about the perfect day we had together with as much detail as possible so that I can come back to a post months, years later and without much effort relive the day, smell the smells, feel the emotions, know that the sun was hot but the air cold, remember the old lady feeding the birds even thought she wasn’t a part of the story, just a person in the background.

Should I be letting the fear of getting caught and hurting them, stop me from being true and free to myself, to stop me from making observations, learning to understand better, and continuing on my path of self improvement? One day I will take the plunge, and I will just have to wait and see and deal with the repercussions then.

Always & Forever
Mrs T xx

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