There is a small human growing inside of me.

Again, I have been a terrible blogger and 3 months have gone by since my last blog. So firstly, yes I am still pregnant! We made it through the first trimester and all of our scans and tests have been great so far. We are currently 17 weeks along and up to the stage of deciding whether or not we want to find out the sex. But I will leave that for another blog post.

What I want to talk about today is this feeling that I get every now and then. It’s hard to describe, somewhat elusive, and it sneaks up on me every now and then. Like it did this morning, when I was lying in bed after Mr T had left for work.

Am I really pregnant? Is there really a baby inside of me? I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t feel like I have changed. Is this all a dream? Is it all a big fat lie? Am I going crazy like Queen Mary, so desperate for a child that I am imaging it all?

Then I calm down. Yes I really am pregnant – I have four pregnancy tests that show positive. Yes there really is a baby growing inside of me – I have several ultrasounds that show me it’s little arms and legs. No this is not all a dream or a big fat lie, and no I am not going crazy. I have changed my diet to be more accommodating of a baby, eating a much better ratio of junk to health food. Our house is experiencing furniture movement and is about to have all the new baby furniture that you need. I get regular tests and have regular doctors appointments. I am definitely pregnant.

But, I don’t feel pregnant.

I guess what I mean is that, I thought I would feel different, internal organ-wise. Now I know that is a strange thing to say, it’s not like you can feel your kidney sitting here and your liver sitting there. But I did expect to feel my uterus pushing things out of the way, to feel like there was something “extra” inside of me. To my dismay, I do not feel that.

Every now and then, I forget I am pregnant. I will be reading my book, cooking dinner, having a shower, and then suddenly look down and see my belly, and think “Oh, that’s right, there’s a small human growing inside of me”. Every time I go to the bathroom, I still check to see if my period has started. Not exactly believing that it has actually been 4 months since my last period.

I am not sure if this is normal. I haven’t really asked anyone, but surely I am not the only person on the planet to be in disbelief? My friends tell me that it doesn’t feel real until about a week after they have been born. Then one day something inside of you just clicks and you think “I have an actual baby” and from then on everything is real. I am really looking forward to that feeling.

And then I feel it move. The bubbles started last week, and now they feel a bit more solid, the pressure lasts longer than a split second. And it’s usually after a frozen dessert or a really hot meal. I love this baby, and I would be completely devastated if something happened. But everyday there is a minute here and a minute there where I suffer moments of disbelief.

Hopefully once I am as big as a tent, I will “feel” pregnant, haha.

Always & Forever,

Mrs T xxx