Firstly, I would like to, not apologise, but acknowledge the fact that I have been very quiet on my blog for a long time. Almost a full year without a proper post. Yeah, there was that one cryptic post a few months ago, but I lost my nerve and my drive to blog.
However, there is a new journey that we (Hubby and I) are embarking on. Baby making. Our families have been asking us since the day that we got married (a year and a half ago), so when are you having a baby? Isn’t that the first question that a newly married, career driven woman wants to hear? No. But I would just smile and say, “Maybe in a few years, we aren’t ready right now.”
The questions backed off for a while. And then my cousin announced she was pregnant. Awesome! I must admit, I was the tiniest bit jealous, but I was really happy for her. I always thought I would be first, but I knew realistically that they were in a better place in their lives then we were, financially, career, support etc. This is roughly when my hormones went into overdrive. It didn’t help that over the next 6 months, almost every single one of my friends would announce a pregnancy.
Then I got a fabulous job, and that’s when this blog started. At the time, I was suffering quite badly from my anxiety, because one of the women I was working with was bullying and undermining me in the work place. I loved my job so, I sorted that situation out over several months. I moved teams internally and then she only had her own manager to bully. Needless to say the manager wasn’t having any of that, and shortly after she left the company.
Ever since about February, almost a year after we got married, my hormones have all but disappeared. This time last year, I would hold a baby and almost refuse to give it back to the mother. The smell, the soft skin, the noises (especially when they slept!) were pulling on the strings of my aching womb. But then one day it was just gone. I have spoken to some people about this, mostly work colleagues and friends, and “we” all believe it is because I am work-satisfied. My career is going very well, I love my job, I have great friends there, everything is awesome.
However, the pressure from the family is back, especially since my cousin actually had her baby, and my parents have gotten to hold her and see videos. Every time I see them, my Dad says things to me like “So when are you guys going to have a baby”, “I’m 54 I’m ready to be a grandparent”, “Your mother wants to know, should she make summer or winter babies clothes?” and my favourite “You’re being selfish, just get it done.” Yep, because all those things are really inspiring me to jump into the sack with my husband.
So we started using the holiday that we had booked in September as our excuse, saying that we would probably start trying then. Yeah I know, we shouldn’t have said the “start trying” bit, but I honestly thought that by the time the holiday came round, we would be ready! A week out, and we were talking about putting it off until I was 30!
But while we were on our holiday we started thinking about if we wait, all of our friends children will be years older than ours, and they won’t play in the same sports teams, or be in the same grade. So we thought, why not? We do want 5-6 year olds when we are 35, for that to happen we have to make babies now.
I haven’t been on contraception for a while, over a year. It made me moody, which affected my anxiety. I honestly thought that because we have been having unprotected sex, using the “trusty” pullout method (haha) that it would take us a while because we had never had an accident. Little did I know.
I haven’t even completed a whole cycle yet (due tomorrow), and I have a test that says I am pregnant. We had 6 baby making sessions this month, due to me being away for work for 2 of the weeks. It was either the second or third time, if the test and due date calculators can be trusted. Seriously!
The line is not crystal clear on the test, but it definitely is there. We don’t trust it just yet, because of it’s faintness, so aren’t exactly celebrating. If Aunt Flow (that’s what all the “trying to conceive – TOC” apps and websites call your period) doesn’t arrive tomorrow or Tuesday, then Wednesday morning you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be taking another test.
I am super nervous and excited about this. I do want a baby (2 or 3 actually), a little person that is a piece of Mr T and me. We already have names picked out, have had them for years. Half of me is trying to think of awesome announcement ideas, and the other half is saying “What the hell have you done, what about your career?!?!” Not sure which side is winning yet, but I will let you know.
This blog is about me and my life. I will blog about the current goings on in my life, and I have a feeling that it is going to have a distinct “mummy” feel for a while. Hope you don’t mind!
Always & Forever,
Mrs T xx